Talkin' Smack
by lookslikeajobforthewinchesters
Summary: High School is mean? How about Lauren? Yeah, her, too. Luckily, Bella's got one more sister than she thought. And sometimes the distant siblings turn out to be the best. A bonding oneshot between two Cullen siblings and Bella. Repost.


Carlisle Cullen Rocks My World **Talkin' Smack**

"Hey, Bella." I looked up to see Rosalie sliding gracefully into the seat beside me. I blinked. Since when did Rosalie sit with me? Didn't she have something against me becoming 'eternally damned'?

"Uh…hi."

"You'll never guess what I just heard in the little girls room." For a moment – a very short moment – I wondered what she was doing in the bathroom if she never had to pee. That thought was quickly stomped out as I looked at her pretty face. She must have been checking hair or make-up. You know, useless things that were simply an excuse to look in the mirror.

I raised an eyebrow, only half interested in the goings-on of a Forks High girls' bathroom. Oh, well, might as well make the best of some sisterly bonding. She'll have to deal with me eventually.

"No idea." I said mildly.

"I heard Lauren talking about you. Gossip. She said you were only marrying Edward because you were pregnant. Getting pregnant was all part of a scheme to get into his rich family and live the life of the 'privileged'." Rosalie informed me, apparently believing this would make me blow a gasket or something else very car-like. I said nothing, only staring at her as if waiting for more exciting news.

"I hear it every day." I told her, smiling grimly. Her pretty little eyebrows moved closer together – but only minimally. Frowning gave you wrinkles, didn't it? Who new what it would do to a vampire. I suppose Rosalie wasn't the one willing to do the experiment.

"I don't like that."

"Like what?"

"Her talking about you behind your back. If she's got an issue, she should tell it to your face. It's really low to spread rumors that aren't true." She said, tapping her perfectly painted fingernails on the cafeteria table in contemplation. Um, hello? When did you hear a rumor that _was_ true? "We should do something."

"Like, hang out?" I asked incredulously. She looked at me, amused.

"No. About that horrible girl."

"Oh, right. I dunno. Let's just ignore her. She'll go away." I said, smiling in fake enthusiasm. Rosalie gave me a bitchy look. She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. She also tilted her head to the side.

"I don't want to. I want to make her eat her own antibiotics."

Of course! What Rosalie wants, Rosalie gets! How could I possibly have forgotten?

Oh, the horror.

"Isn't it supposed to be 'give her a taste of her own medicine'?" I asked mildly. Rosalie glared and made the bitchy face again. I almost laughed.

"That's besides the point." Wow, she wasn't kidding. She actually thought it was antibiotics. That was incredibly lame.

It was really cool to find out geeky things about amazingly un-geeky people.

OoOoO

I stomped into Charlie's house – I had long since moved into the Cullens in my heart if not physically – and dropped my bag on one of the mismatched kitchen chairs. Charlie looked up from his baseball game and frowned for a moment. I wasn't usually in a bad mood when school ended: I was permitted to spend all hours until ten o-clock after school with Edward. He dismissed it quickly, however, likely hoping we had been in a fight.

"How was school?" Charlie asked, not particularly worried about what I had to say. So long as school was good, class wasn't too hard and I didn't skip out of anything. He'd hear about everything else through the grapevine that was the five hundred person population of this town.

"Good." That would be satisfactory. He would probably back up those stupid girls in the bathroom if I told him what was really going on. Stupid Charlie and his stupid views on teen marriage. Stupid Edward and his stupid dazzling smile and his stupid 'compromise'. He seemed to be quite enjoying my frustration; if only he knew why I was angry. And that I wasn't kidding.

"That's good." He said, turning back to the TV. It was a Jays game: no crisis in my life warranted more than eighteen seconds away from the screen. Well, that took care of nosy parent number one. Number two was calling tonight.

I made my way upstairs and flopped out on the bed, arms crossed over my chest as I stared at the ceiling. Stupid ceiling. Stupid fan. Stupid light.

_Ring, ring._

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. Or call.

"Hello?"

"Bella, hi! How's my sweetie doing? Still engaged, I suppose?" I could hear the reluctance in her voice. Oh, her little baby was all grown up and getting married! She'd have grandchildren soon! Yeah, right. Like that was going to happen.

Well, the kids at school thought so.

"Yeah, mom. Still engaged." I said.

"Is everything okay, baby?" She asked. I sighed. "You don't sound as enthusiastic as you usually do. Troubles in paradise?"

"No, mom. Paradise still kicks butt. School doesn't."

"Why doesn't school kick butt?"

"People in small towns enjoy gossip, mom. I'm getting married at eighteen. That just screams book club blather." I muttered. I was aware that Edward might show up at any given second. I didn't want him overhearing. I played the disgruntled and sad daughter a little too well with the quietness of my voice. "People think I'm pregnant."

"Oh, Bella, that's horrible!" Renée exclaimed. There was a pause. A very silent pause.

"I'm not, mom."

"Oh, thank goodness. I might be excited, but I'm not _that_ excited. No grandbabies until you're at least twenty, okay?"

"Yeah." I agreed. I wouldn't be 'alive' when I was twenty. Definitely no grandbabies.

"Is that the worst of it, honey?" She asked me gently. I fingered my engagement ring and sighed. The things I do for that boy…marriage. Bleck!

"They think I screwed him to get to his money. Honestly! He's not even allowed to buy me birthday presents!" A little tear crept out of my eye and landed on my shirt. I patted the moisture with my fingertip. "People are mean. Do they have to hate me behind my back? Can't they just tell me they think I'm a whore?"

"Honey! You're not a whore!" Renée cooed. I heard Phil laughing in the background. I rolled my eyes. As cool as Phil could be, he wasn't exactly sensitive. "You don't believe a word they say, even if you have…if you have…done…well, honey, you know what I mean, don't you?"

"Yeah, mom. Even if we have had sex. Which we haven't." I assured her. I heard a tiny conniption fit on the other end.

"You haven't?" My mom shrieked. I held the phone out. "Honey, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into! What if he's terrible? You'll have to spend the rest of your life having sex with a complete dud!"

"So Phil's good, then?" I asked. She huffed.

"Yes! Of course!"

Wow, didn't see that coming. I'd expected a flustered, stuttered 'Bella!'.

"Mom, maybe that isn't as important to me as it is to you. But honestly, have you met him? Don't answer, I know you have. There is no possible way I won't enjoy it. I sometimes pass out when he kisses me." I'd just finished saying that when Edward popped through my window, sitting at the end of my bed and grabbing up my feet in his hands. He loved rubbing my feet; I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it, too. He pressed his thumb into the arch of my foot. "Mmm…"

"Excuse me?" Came the shocked reply from the other end.

"No, mom! I was talking to Edward!"

"He's there? What's he doing to you?" She screeched. "Put him on the phone right now, little missy!"

I handed the phone over.

"Sorry. It's your own fault." I said, holding it out like a poisonous snake. He just smiled and took it.

"Mrs. Dwyer?" He asked politely. There was a short pause. "Terribly sorry. Renée, then?"

Another pause.

"Of course. I wouldn't dream of risking you being confused with Phil's mother."

I snorted.

"Ah, no, Renée. We haven't…well, yes of course I want to…yes, I love her very much…a test run? Renée…_dear lord_." He handed the phone back, looking shocked. "She wants me to…'pleasure you', to make sure I can."

I took the phone back.

"Thanks, mom. I think Edward just wet himself with terror." He did look quite horrified. Not horrified…terrified. He definitely didn't look like he wanted to run and hide. "Have no fear, we'll be fine. Besides, Phil is good, remember? Your sex life is the only one you should be concerned with. I'm hanging up now."

I pressed the 'off' button and set the phone down. I waved a hand in front of Edward's face.

"You gonna live?"

"Hmm." He muttered, staring at his hands. I didn't want to know what my mother had told him to do with them. "Your mother is scary."

"You're invincible. Get over it."

"I can't help but think, Bella…it would be fun…" An odd gleam came into his eyes. I shook my head.

"No. You had your excuses to wait, we're sticking to them. Surely you can't be fully fed right now? Your eyes are dark." I said accusingly. He seemed to sink. I almost felt bad.

"Bella, I just want you to be happy." He said, the most pathetic look of sadness written on his face. I glared.

"You're manipulating me. You want to, don't you? You want to convince me I want it, too! You're going to turn me into what they think I am!" I exclaimed, pointing my finger directly between his eyes. He looked confused.

"What do they think you are? Who are 'they'?"

"People at school think I'm a whore." I muttered. Edward's face became stone. Well, visibly. It already was physically. His fists clenched. "Sorry. I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd get all angry."

"Not at you." He said, touching my hair. "And you should always tell me things like this, okay, Bella?"

"Yes, mommy."

"Funny." He said dryly. "I know I'm old enough, but somehow I think I lack certain features to be your mother."

Being the evil and manipulative jerk that he was, he brought his hand to rest on the curve of my breast and kissed my cheek. I pounded him on the back as he lay over me.

"Jerk."

"I'm a sexy jerk." He smirked, kissing me again. I rolled my eyes, trying not to pass out.

"What's with you today? You're all…hormonal. You're acting like Emmett, but slightly tamer." He just laughed at my analogy.

"I'm having a wonderful day. I'm getting married in three weeks. I have a lovely woman in my arms. I have not seen or heard from Jacob Black in a whole week. Rosalie is going to Utah with Emmett for a 'vacation' before the wedding. It's a really good day." He said happily, pulling me onto his chest. I lay there, rubbing my thumb on his chin. He smiled at me, creating those adorable little dimples in his cheeks. I kissed them both.

"Glad _you_ are." I grinned. "Mine's sucked so far."

"That's too bad." He said softly. I shrugged, looking down at his chest beneath my fingers. "Can I make it better?"

…

"Probably."

He grinned and kissed me again. Ah, yes. _This_ was what a wonderful day consisted of.

OoOoO

I walked toward the Cullen house before Edward, opening the door and stepping in. I expected to see Alice come charging down the stairs to drag me off for yet another minute detail that had gone wrong, like the napkins had shown up baby blue instead of periwinkle. Oh, my God. What a tragedy.

However, Alice was not the one charging down the stairs waving blue/purple/indigo napkins. Rosalie marched right up to me and grabbed my arm, dragging me up the stairs. I looked back at Edward in surprise and a little bit of fear. He was glaring at his sister.

"Rosalie Leticia Hale, if you so much as pull a hair from her head, I'll personally tear you to pieces and sell you amongst the firewood at next week's camping rally!" Edward hollered after us. I struggled to get back downstairs, but Rosalie held me firmly to her side.

"You're not going anywhere until we get this Mallory bitch dealt with. Jasper, get in here!" She said all in one soft, even tone that held a little bit of malice. Jasper came with graceful nervousness through her bedroom door and sat on the fire engine red bowl chair in the corner. He looked ridiculous sitting there. "You need to get a grip on who talks about you, Bella. If you know what they're saying, say it right back with a few more pinches of salt right in those wounds."

I felt a little scared right then.

"We're not here to rub salt into my wounds, are we?" I asked timidly. Jasper cracked a smile, but seemed a little tense with the talk of exposed blood. I instantly shut up about the wounds.

"No." Rosalie said, amused. "We're here to decide which sort of salt to use in Lauren Mallory's wounds."

"Sea salt." Jasper said, almost smiling. I felt really amused by that, likely because of how terrified I was of Rosalie. He smiled, via my glee. I smiled back. I'd never seen him smile. He was really handsome. I saw what Alice meant about her 'baby hotcakes'. Jasper suddenly looked at Rose, pointing to my face. "There's what we need. Look."

Um, me? I thought this was about Lauren? Please, let it be about Lauren. Please!

Rosalie simply nodded and then pulled a hilarious face. I grinned; I couldn't help it. She was smiling, satisfied about something.

"You're right, Jazz. Good work."

Um, what?

"Smile, Bella." Jasper said quietly. I smiled in confusion. "No, really smile. Be confident about yourself."

"I don't know what…" What the hell did he mean? I was suddenly hit with a rush of extreme self-esteem and I couldn't help but smile like I knew I was gorgeous. That was really strange.

"Beautiful. Jazz, you need to be there to keep her sure of herself. I come up with the clothes – don't give me that look, Bella, I dress the way I do because I know I look good. You're going to do that, too." Rosalie said, tapping my shoulder. She stood and so did I. I wasn't sure why, but it sort of felt like being in the army: when the general did something, so did you. Rosalie eyed me, lips pursed. "I agree with Edward. Blue. Navy blue. And little, with jeans. High heeled boots. Don't worry, Jasper will make you feel balanced."

"How?"

"Calmness, self-confidence. Keep you focused." That sounded like a good place to start. Keeping myself from freaking out. It was always good not to freak out. "Oh, look at the time. It's been twenty minutes; Edward will be having a cow."

That struck me as funny.

"See you, Bella." Jasper said peacefully from his red bowl chair. I waved, smiling.

"See you, Jasper; Rosalie." They both smiled at me and I walked away. Huh. Rosalie helping me out and Jasper smiling. That was strange.

I made it down the hallway and was passing Alice's room when I was suddenly pulled into the door by a tiny white hand. Before I could scream, Alice was waving a piece of paper in front of my face.

"Bella! Tragedy, here! The tulle I ordered for the banister just arrived at the store. It's white, not ivory! What are we going to do? _What are we going to do?_" She asked in a panic. I blinked. Was she honestly having an epileptic fit over this?

"Alice, no one cares what colour the tulle is. What the hell is tulle?" I asked, throwing my hands into the air. "Is it a screwdriver?"

"A _screwdriver_?" She screeched. "A screwdriver, she says! No, Bella! It is decorative mesh!"

"My wedding is going to look like a whore's tights?"

"No!" Alice shrieked, shoving me out of the door. "I'm going to find someone who _cares_ what your wedding looks like! _Jasper!_"

Well, that was interesting. Very interesting, indeed.

"Bella?" Edward's voice came from the window. I looked over to see him sitting on the ledge, looking glorious in all his godly gorgeousness. "What's the difference between white and ivory?"

"Ivory is slightly more creamy coloured than white. If you're someone like my mom who needs glasses and refuses to wear them, you wouldn't spot the difference if you tried."

"Of course."

I realized what had just transpired and nearly fainted.

"You just asked me a question about something other than my thoughts and I knew the answer! You didn't! Oh, my God, I know something you don't! Didn't!" I exclaimed. Edward laughed and hopped all the way into the room. He landed on his feet with a graceful _pat_. I did a little happy dance.

"Yes, you're so brilliant; you knew what the difference between two colours were." He teased me, taking my hand as I continued my happy dance. He pulled me into his arms and joined in on the little bit of insanity that was my victory tango. There we remained, dancing in Alice's bedroom.

Of course, things couldn't always remain that way. He tried to make it into a salsa dance, mostly because he was then allowed to touch me without feeling guilty, but I got too into the touching part and we ended up in a tangled ball on the floor.

Enter Emmett. The last ingredient in the soup of disaster.

1 cup of out-smarted Edward

1 cup of victorious Bella

2 cups of happy dance

3 tbsp of salsa dancing

6 L of touchy goodness

1/16 tsp of Emmett

And let the bouillabaisse catastrophe begin.

"Ah!" Emmett screamed, scratching at his eyes. "My eyes! They're burning! Ahhh!"

I buttoned up Edward's shirt and patting him on the chest.

"Never a moment's peace." I sighed. Emmett continued to shriek and squeal about his 'poor little virginal eyes'. "Emmett, there is nothing virginal about you. Except possibly your bellybutton. I can't imagine you've managed to have sex with that."

He glared and ran out of the room in search of someone who wouldn't make fun of him.

OoOoO

"How are you, Swan? Looking like a gold-digger." A snide voice said from behind me. I stopped in my tracks. Jasper winked at me from across the cafeteria. "Oops, that's every day! Does Alice dress you?"

I turned around, thinking of the faces Jasper had been making and the very strange outfit Rosalie had worn all day yesterday. Apparently, it was to help bring up my confidence and make me smile. I did so, quite brilliantly according to Rosalie who was currently beaming from the same table as Jasper.

"Really, Lauren? That's so sweet." I said condescendingly. She didn't seem to hear the sweet fakeness in my words. She simply smirked at me as a few passers-by stopped and were suddenly onlookers. "There is one perk to having Alice dress me, though, isn't there?"

"What? You get to sleep with her brother?" Lauren asked scornfully. Jessica suddenly appeared at Lauren's side, looking worried. She had never been the malicious one.

"No, actually." I said sweetly, making sure everyone heard me. "We've decided to wait. You know, trying to be respectable."

Lauren seemed to notice the subtle jab.

"So? What's the perk?" She asked impatiently. I grinned again, tossing my hair back from my face. Rose had given me side bands and I had to admit – it looked fabulous.

"I look gorgeous." Judging by the look on Mike, Tyler, and Eric's faces, they agreed. Jessica eyed my hair enviously. Lauren just looked angry.

"Gorgeous? Or like a whore?"

My smile didn't falter.

"To what are you pertaining?" I asked. She ran that through her head a few times, deciding I meant I wanted to know what she was talking about.

"Your boobs are practically falling out. No one wants to see that." She said, looking pointedly at the deep V of my shirt. The boys didn't seem in agreement with her.

"Oh, Lauren. If you got it, flaunt it." I said flippantly. She raised her eyebrows. "But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

I looked at her barely-covers-the-ass hemline and I'm-a-hypocrite-for-saying-your-shirt-is-low neckline. Her shirt and skirt didn't meet. She blushed as people realized just how much skin was showing.

"Well, at least I don't sleep with people to get their money." She blurted out. She was getting desperate. Good. Between myself – who seemed very pleased that she was this confident – and Jasper, I could be here all day and not lose steam.

"No?" I asked. She looked at me suspiciously. I wasn't arguing that I'd slept with Edward – which, of course, I hadn't. "Hey, Mike? How was the date on Friday? And Tyler, how was Saturday? Have fun on Sunday, Alex?"

The three boys looked at each other in shock. They quickly exchanged the names of their dates – all the same. They turned to look at Lauren in some sort of creeped-out, offended manner. Her face flushed brilliantly. It felt so good to get back at her for this.

"That has nothing to do with money." She said angrily.

"Who paid?"

"That's besides the point!" She shouted. Several people murmured around us. I glanced over and saw Jasper wink at me again. He held up a hand and teetered it from side to side. Almost done, then. Didn't want to crush her. Just make her see that I wasn't to be pushed around.

"So Edward's money situation can be excused, as well? That's great! I just thought I'd let you know that the Cullens aren't allowed to spend a dime on me. Though, Emmett, of course, just buys me a whole _lot_ of five cent gum." Several people laughed nervously, worried that making a positive reaction to something I said would turn the Ice Queen on them. I wouldn't worry about her. She was quickly realizing she was more of an Ice Peasant.

"You are just an uptight whore that the Cullens keep around to occupy their free time. You know what? I bet that blond guy gets the most fun, doesn't he? Seems like the type to hire someone." Lauren said in a low, angry voice. People around us made sounds of disapproval. I didn't register it. I was seeing red.

_Slap!_

My hand whipped across her face, leaving a red outline where I'd connected. She stumbled back, clutching her face in horror.

"Don't you ever speak of my family that way!" It was all I could do to keep from screaming and strangling her. "I'll have you know that Jasper Hale is the single most caring, kindest person your sorry being will ever have the privilege of meeting! He loves Alice with all his heart, do you hear me? He would never –"

"Neither would you." Jasper was standing beside me, a hand on my shoulder. I felt his affection course through my veins. I smiled back at him.

"No, I wouldn't." I agreed. I'd never hurt Edward like that. Lauren was seething.

"You've caused enough damage for one day." Rosalie said in that commanding voice that made you afraid to contradict her. Lauren took a step back. Rosalie smirked. "Go on. I don't want to hear another word against any member of this family. That includes Bella."

I felt my heart warm. That was the first time Rosalie had referred to me as part of her family, one of the Cullens. Suddenly, everything seemed much more clear. _All_ the Cullens wanted me.

Lauren walked away with her tail between her legs, face so red that the imprint my hand had left wasn't visible at all.

"That was brilliant." Jasper whispered into my ear as we walked from the cafeteria. I smiled. Jasper had never willingly come this close to me, much less breathe around me. "You are most definitely a Hale, I can tell you that much. No one besides a relative of Rose could have pulled that off."

"Legally, you're a Hale right now, too." I teased. He made a shy face, the Cullens way of blushing.

"I tend to only speak out in private little groups." He said softly. I touched his hand as we walked. He didn't flinch. He didn't seem to react at all except to take my hand in his. "But you, Bella, just made Forks history books."

"Well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

We both chuckled.

Rosalie appeared at my other side, smiling pleasantly. Alice, Edward, and Emmett were already at the car, Alice having seen a vision of us leaving school early. They all stared, amazed. I usually wasn't acknowledged by Jasper or Rosalie and here I was walking to the car with them, holding Jasper's hand and whispering conspiratorially with Rose.

"Hi, guys!" I said before returning to my whispered conversation about the more ridiculous points of history – just to bug Jasper – with Rose. I stopped by Edward for a quick kiss, which turned out to last several minutes, before I smiled at Alice and Emmett. Jasper let go of my hand in favour of Alice's.

"Hey, Bells!" Emmett said cheerfully. He handed me something small, rectangular, and pink. "Gum? I only spent a nickel."

Of course. I took it, laughing.

"Hello, beautiful." Edward said softly. "How was Lauren today?"

Several people poured out of the cafeteria.

"See for yourself." I winked. He was silent for a few seconds. His eyes widened.

"You – you…told them we haven't…" His face was mortified. I rolled my eyes.

"That _is_ what they would remember, isn't it?" I said rhetorically. Edward groaned.

"That's not good for a guy's ego, Bella." He whined.

"Edward. Your ego is plenty large." I reassured him. Emmett was rolling on the hood of the Jeep – he'd insisted upon it today – with laughter. Edward glared.

"Ready to head home?" He asked me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked back to see Rosalie looking at me congenially.

"Would you ride with me, today?" She asked, nodding to the M3. I smiled.

"Sure, Rose." I said. And we climbed in together before driving off, laughing hysterically at the bewildered look on Edward's face.

Sisterly bonding over someone talkin' smack. Of course that's how we would do it.

_But it was fun, anyways_, I thought as I looked at Rosalie. I finally had my whole family.

AN: I have one this to say: for those of you who don't know what Five Cent Gum is, go to your nearest convenience store and ask for some. If they don't have any, please feel free to be extremely offended. Every convenience store in North America should carry five cent gum. After that, remember that you didn't know what it was. Now, please proceed to smash your head against a wall repetitively for the next hour. Also, wear a fake mustache to school and stroke it all day. This is your punishment for being culturally negligent.

Thank you! Reviews are welcome.

CCRMW


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